Meet Fran

Fran's Story: Why You Know She'll Understand

You may be wondering, “Can this family and life coach relate to me?” Well, you can be sure that I can. Oh, maybe we haven’t experienced the same difficulties in life, but I bet we both know what it means to struggle. So, let me tell you my story, the story of how I became my own first client. It all began a few years ago . . .

I had a great husband, a good job, a nice home and two children, one who had stumbled through the rocky teenage years and made it to college, and a sixteen year old who would be on his way in a couple of years, if I could keep him focused and responsible enough, that is. Knowing that a single wrong decision could jeopardize his safety and his future, and not feeling confident in his ability to always make the correct choices, I was afraid and worried. The only thing I knew to do, like with my first child, was to keep a tight rein on him. I hounded him about homework, grades, buckling his seat belt, the danger of drinking and driving, drugs, sex - you name it. Our conversations, which became more and more infrequent, consisted primarily of my cajoling or, more accurately, nagging him into making the right choices. But, how do you nag someone into compliance when you’re more often than not faced with silence, sarcasm, or anger?

The conversation started one late afternoon. I was preparing dinner as my son arrived home from school.

“Hi. How was school?”
“Fine.”
“How’d you do on your chemistry test?”
“I don’t know.”
“Are you sure? It seems like your teacher would have returned it to you by now.
“Nope.”
“How was tennis practice?”
“Fine.”
“Have they selected captain yet?”
“No.”
“You know, you’re definitely in line for captain this year, and you know that would look really good on your college applications next year – colleges want to see leadership experience.”
No response.
“How ‘bout homework and studying – got much tonight?”
Silence.

I moaned to myself, “Will I ever survive these teenage years, and if he would just do what I know he is capable of, he would have such an easier time in the future.” But then, I was startled and stilled by the seriousness of my son’s question, “Mom, do you love me?”

My son wanted to know whether I loved him. He wanted to know if I loved him regardless of his chemistry test grades, his position on the tennis team or what his resume looked like. Almost instantly tears welled up, and I realized this was one of those turning-point-moments in life that I could either retreat from with a quick “Of course I love you. What in the world are you talking about?” Or, I could shed my fears and embrace the opportunity to begin the relationship with my son anew.

The answer was clear - I dropped dinner preparations, walked to the sofa, sat down beside my son and reached out to hold his hand. He let me. “Yes, I love you with all my heart.” In the still quiet of this moment I began to understand how to love and support my son.

That was the last day I ever queried him about his homework, test scores or athletic achievements. It was the last day of worrying whether he would have the grades to get into the right college, whether he would make good choices about friends, drinking and driving, drugs and sex. It was the last day of nagging and cajoling. In short, it was the last day of being afraid of the wrong turns my son would make if I didn’t keep him focused on what I thought he should be doing.

And, it was the first day of truly listening to my son so that I could understand him. It was the first day of trusting him to make good choices and respecting those choices, even if they aren’t the ones I would make. It was the first day of loving my teenage son from a place of awe, gratitude and respect. It was the first day of appreciating my son – just as he is.

How did I reach this aha! moment? Well, I think my son asked me the right question at the right time, a time shortly following the death of my mother, a loss which had made me acutely aware of the preciousness of life and of the lives of those dearest to me. I asked myself, “Do I really want to squander the limited time I have on this earth focused on my son’s college application and my own fears about his future, or do I want to spend these last few high school years getting to know him, his values, his goals, his dreams, and yes, his worries and fears?” The answer was clear. Oh, I don’t mean that I never asked him about his school work. It’s just that the focus of the questions changed from the drill sergeant’s, “Did you do your homework?” to the supportive, “You mentioned you have a big speech coming up next week. Do you need any support with that?” And, I still find myself a bit anxious if I know my children are driving on the interstate, but I’m not so fretful anymore. Instead of choosing to worry about things over which I have no control, I choose to respect my children, listen to them, understand them, support them, and appreciate them and to share with them some moments of their lives.

I sometimes think back on that day I was asked “Do you love me?” and I wonder, “If I had not been courageous enough to truly listen, what would the relationship with my children be like now?”

And what would I be doing now? Probably not coaching. But, with this one experience I began a transformational journey – one that launched me into a new career – a life passion, really – to help other parents just like me – maybe, just like you.

To find out more about Fran, CLICK HERE.